I looked at my life like Fight Club, how have you looked at yours?
There was a point in my life that I felt as if the movie Fight Club, became my reality. Not to the full level of having an imaginary underground fight club and imaginary friends. But at a level it did feel like everything around me suddenly did not feel real.
This moment of confusion and lost in the world started from a severe manic episode. The episode was caused after going off my psychiatric medication without medical assistance and loosing my corporate job. Creating a perfect storm of madness and hallucination. After loosing my job, I though that it actually meant it was time to create my destiny of being famous and creating a show on MTV. I made a list of all of my friends at the time that I wanted to be apart of this show. I set up a meeting telling everyone that we are going to create a show on MTV, that it is going to show us as creatives making our way into our music careers.
My Fight Club was about creatives. One thing that I was noticing in my short period of time living in New York is well there were creatives everywhere. The thing is though, most of these creatives are not in creative career positions instead most are your bartenders, baristas, servers, cashiers, etc. Coming home after their shifts, to continue working on whatever their creative endeavors are. My show idea was my Fight Club, determined that this idea was going to change the world and create an entertainment industry that is more accessible. The problem was when I was presenting this idea to my random group of friends that did not all know each other, is well nobody knew who we were yet. I picked friends that I know were creatives and had strong ties and passion for the music industry.
The goal was to present this idea to MTV producers to show them that the entertainment landscape was due for a change. That the industry needed to be more accessible, my motto was for the stage to no longer be for one person, but instead the stage was available for everyone. Featured in the show was going to be MEMZ Studios, a studio that would be gifted to us from MTV. A studio that would include all of the creative tools that we need to live out all of our creative dreams. Envisioning this studio, I saw a recording studio with any instrument that you can imagine, tools to design and create any clothing piece, every art supplies you can think of, a stage, costumes, makeup etc. Having all of these tools in one place and inviting a bunch of creatives to come together and collaborate in one studio space. Creating these studios across the country and world, giving people access to follow their dreams. Having the platform of MTV, to promote projects and receive recognition.
Of course I had my imaginary love similar to Marla in the movie. I have an old friend that I became convinced was my forever person. The person that I was going to save this world with. A little back story on this guy is that his father is in the CIA. As someone who is always searching after the secrets of the world, this became very interesting to me. This same guy also introduced me to rave culture and the art of DJing. Music was something that we really bonded with in our friendship. Soooo, during this time of thinking that I was about to change the world with my show on MTV, I also believed that this guy was creating me secret playlist. I read each song title, thinking that it was a riddle, that this guy was confessing his love for me.
During this time, nothing felt real, it felt as if I was living out this dream reality that I created in my head. There was a time after I ate some mushrooms, I was told during this trip that I was apart of the Illuminati. That the Illuminati was going to meet me and give me the contracts for my show on MTV. Since the guy I was convinced was my soul mate, Dad worked in the CIA, I thought they were as well with the Illuminati. I became convinced that the Illuminati was following me on the train. That the people sitting to me next on the train were not real, and actually apart of the Illuminati. Almost everyday during this time too, I would sit in my office and smoke a bowl. Looking out the window, waiting for a black suv to pull up. Inside the car I imagined the Illuminati with papers with MTV on it, and my “soul mate.” That the Illuminati would pull up and my so called lover would get out of the car and yell up at my window to tell me to come down from my tower lol. I would run down to my love and give him a huge kiss, I would hop into the car and my life would be changed for forever.
Similar to the end of the movie Fight Club, where the truth is revealed and everything once known became nonexistent. During a point where I was quarantined in my room with COVID, I was ready to really make this MTV show/my fight club a reality. So what did I do? I found every MTV producer I could on LinkedIn and Instagram, messaging them a video that I created explaining my show idea. Then as I was looking on MTV’s Instagram, I noticed they had a phone number that you could text. So of course I texted them and sent the video I made. MTV was hosting a live stream where they were posting any video people wanted to submit. Of course I wanted them to stream mine. During the time that I was texting MTV , it felt as if well the Illuminati was really there and this time they were mocking me. The host of the show would keep making comments about my video and bring up other celebrities and give hints that they controlled the careers of these celebrities. It hit me at this moment, I did not want MTV to own my work forever, and maybe I did not want to be apart of the “Illuminati” after all.
The next day in my quarantine, I decided to make a new plan on how I was going to change the world. I realized that most of us are so caught up in our own lives that we forget about the people around us. I was tired of making myself the center of attention for everything, I was ready to stop talking for once and allow the world to speak. I proceeded to make a list of interview questions that I would ask people on or off camera. The goal of these questions is to dive deeper into who people really are. Asking questions such as “how would you change the world” to promote bigger concepts such as world peace.
My Fight Club reality slowly came to an end as I got back into therapy and psychiatry. Working on a new project that allows me to learn from other people, hearing the stories through interviewing. Learning that this world is not just about me but actually about all the people around me. Living in a dream world can be okay but not to the point that everything around you does not feel real. This time in my life is something that I look back at and cringe a little. However at the same time this period in my life was important. It taught me that I am actually not in control, life is always going to move differently than your imaginary world.
